Whatever happened to jelly and ice cream?

My 10 year old daughter was invited to a classmate’s birthday party at the Royal Opera House this weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I know this is a fantastic opportunity to experience something completely different, and I hate to sound middle aged – but what on earth is going on with children’s birthday parties?

To be honest, the first couple of years are great. It’s generally a group of Mummy and Daddy’s friend, who may (or may not) have similar aged kids, hanging out and drinking wine. It all culminates with the little one slobbering out the candles while assorted relatives crowd round like seasoned paparazzi trying to capture the moment on film.

By the age of about three or four you have to lay on some entertainment for the kids - usually in the form of a bouncy castle or soft play arrangement. You also have to feed them and it generally occurs to even the most inexperienced parents to a) limit the party to a maximum of 2 hours and b) hold it in a venue other than their own home. By this age, the child is probably at pre-school or nursery. This means they will want to invite their own friends, who will be delivered by parents keen to scurry off and make the most of a couple of hours free time. Of course, your own relatives and die hard friends will probably still stay for the duration but apparently it’s less socially acceptable to serve them wine now that they are effectively helping to supervise other people’s children.

And then they start school. This is where the real fun begins. Obviously the guest list for an event where potential invitees fall in and out of friendships several times a week is fraught. And that’s before you’ve even decided what sort of party you might have. Clearly, there are the basics – entertainer, Pizza Express, swimming, football, cinema, and bowling. Then the slightly more adventurous - laser shooting, discos, make-over, sleep-over, paint balling and limousine. And finally, not for the faint hearted – baking, soap making and even reptile experience (I’ve seen this one in action). It’s now definitely not OK to serve alcohol to attending adults (the more sober people available to round up the spiders, the better!) but they won’t be at a loose end because there are the party bags to organise. In my experience, you can get away with cheap tat until about Year 1 (possibly Year 2 or 3 for boys) but after that these seem to take on a life and significance of their own in terms of determining the success of the party. Even the bags (or if you are very posh, boxes) that the stuff goes home in is important. So, when you budget – take the cost of the party and allow the same again for bags. Still, at least you’ll be saving on wine!!!

The final phase hits when they decide they want to be involved in organising their own parties. I think it’s a good idea to reintroduce the wine at this point! My experience is that boys are much easier to steer than girls: “Mmm, rifle shooting at night followed by camping out sounds fun. Or, we could have a couple of your friends round for pizza and you can watch a slightly inappropriate film?” But girls live for their birthdays. Kate Moss-like endurance seems to be a common requirement. My daughter will suggest starting first thing on Saturday morning with a trip to a theme park, then back home for tea, a film and a sleepover, before taking everyone out to breakfast on Sunday morning. No thank you. Themes are also big. Earlier this year she was invited to a ‘celebrity’ party. They were all assigned identities and had to come dressed appropriately. I believe Lily Allen attended, as did Katie Price, Paris Hilton and many more. My daughter was asked to come as Amy Winehouse. And she was quite particular about her outfit. I had to buy two wigs to get the right volume to the beehive and gallons of liquid eye liner. For a laugh, her Dad suggested that she take an empty wine bottle as a prop. “Or a crack pipe,” she quipped. Bloody Hell, I must start hiding those celebrity magazines.

If it’s any consolation to parents of small children, my 15 year old step son has been totally independent in terms of birthday celebrations for a couple of years. He generally requests his favourite meal, which we eat in the company of close family and friends, and then he opens his pressies, blows out his candles and disappears off with his mates. Leaving us to finish the wine. Funny how things come full circle!